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Too much! "You're just too much," She said. Too loud! "You're too loud," He said. Too many! "Too many questions, Too many needs" They said. Too big! "Your body, your legs, your hips, Too big," I heard. Over And over And over And over again Too loud! "You laugh too loud you talk too loud, you are too loud," they said! Too smart! "You're too smart for your own good," He said. Too much! "You think too much! You feel too much! You ask too much! Many said. And one day One day I believed Eventually I believed The voices Of my too-muchness Creeping into my head Crying myself to sleep And Guilt I'd feel such guilt Such shame To speak To need To eat To succeed. To be human! So I tried I tried so hard be smaller, quieter, less. To repress the expansiveness of my expression To reject my natural aliveliness For fear of rejection Fearing that I Would not I Could not I did not Belong! I worried That at my center At my core I was bad Was wrong And that I did not matter I feared I would never And could never Be accepted Loved For who I was For who I am Without expectation. And so shame Shame grew like a thorny weed Everywhere! Choking That's which was Beautiful And Precious And Special And I began I began To hide I began To hide my face. My voice, My needs, My curves, My vulnerability, My soul And alongside like nightshade of shame Sadness, Grief And anger Began to grow. Because somehow, Because Some fucking how Despite all attempts It did not seem to matter The voices followed me Everywhere No matter My largeness or smallness My loudness or my softness Or too muchness I was never quite Enough And no matter who I was Or what I changed Or who I tried to be To meet their standards And their expectations It was never Enough But that My friends ends now I've had enough. This is me And that dear world Is enough for me!
Written 17 October 2027
PS:
My intention and wish in sharing this poem is for healing. My own and others who choose to be touched by these words, and find healing within themselves.
Forgive ourselves and each other… returning to the love that we are.
Trusting that within each of us, we have the power to let go of the past, heal our childhood, life, ancestral (and other life) trauma’s by choosing to let go of all victim identities and be free.
Empowering ourselves with new choices, self loving and self caring boundaries, and living from the place of the Sovereign Self.
Thank you. I love you.
Aloha.
thank you for this!